Happy Singles Awareness Day

Valentine's Day.

The only day of the year that makes you feel even more single than you actually are, and it causes you to loathe everyone who is paired up and buying those shitty sentimental cards and flowers at Wal-Mart while you're trying to get your Dippity-Doo, a twelve pack of Simpson's Cola and a DVD for $6.88. Let's face it. I've been around to see 19 other Valentine's Days.... But this one is a little different.

Unlike previous years where I have vowed to curse the day, watch girly/cultish/sappy movies, eat mounds of chocolate and drool over how hot Harry Connick Jr. is in Hope Floats (no Becca, we didn't watch that movie specifically on Valentine's Day, but I had to mention his hot-ness), I am not bitter. No. This year is different. Unlike the rest, I will be tossed into the clutches of twitterpation, and I for one am looking forward to it!

Despite my newfound hope in the opposite sex, I will remain true to my vow. Valentine's Day is retarded! And the guy always gets screwed into spending his life savings on "an unforgettable night". Let's have a look, shall we? (i've made the prices exorbitantly high so you can laugh with me):
1 Hallmark Valentine's card with stereotypical cheesy sentiment (that the guy didn't read, but it looked nice, and it said something about her beauty): $29.99
12 Ridiculously overpriced roses: $700
2 6oz. steaks 4 glasses of the restaurant's cheapest wine (2 drinks will make you a little tipsy, right? If he's gonna get some, she isn't going to be sober.): $275
Nice earrings or a bracelet that your girlfriend will likely burn or pawn if you dump her: $32, 000
2 tickets to a shitty movie that no one will like in 10 years: $2,700

Which comes to a grand total of: $40,703.69 (taxes included for your convenience)

Now guys, what could that money be better spent on??????
Let's see....
For about 40 g's you could
-Buy a new Austin Mini
-Build a sweet ass studio
-Put a down payment on a house
-Get some plastic surgery performed on your breasts
-Hire a hitman to kill your awful wife/girlfriend (and run away to Cuba)
-Invest into Microsoft....... right.....
-Pay for my degree

So you see, there are lots of options.
Instead of trying to gain brownie points so you can be lazy for the rest of the year, why not tell your sweetie how smokin she is every day? Or how about for Valentine's Day this year you decide to just spend uninterrupted time together, without that cheesy Valentine's Day card (unless you find one that is exactly what you wanted to tell her in the first place)...

So this is a shout out to all my single friends, I love you all, and this day is not worth moping over.
I'm going to go get ready for my hot date tonight..... (I'm moping on the inside... for the kids... you know!)