I Want To Be In The Light

Romans 7: For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

I so wish that I hadn't grown up a Christian. Not because of some horrible experience in the church, not because I had awful parents (and I didn't), not because I was teased because of my faith, or felt like an outcast.

It's because I wish I had never learned how to act like a perfect Christian, even when my actions and thoughts and inclinations pointed in a different direction.

I love Paul's honesty with his struggle with sin in Romans 7. I love how Paul had the attitude to persevere, even when he didn't feel like much of a Christian. I was pumpin some old dc Talk tunes tonight, and "In the Light" came blasting through my sad excuse for a car stereo, and something struck me theologically. Sure, it's one thing to say that we want to be in the light, as He is in the light... but what steps are we taking towards it? Are our actions pointing to our wishes, or are we just being those "nice" Christians that we learned how to be at such a young and eager age. Yes, it's admirable to say that you want one thing, but eventually, you're going to have to be mature enough to take that step. Otherwise, you'll never grow.

I had an awesome coffee with my good friend Mollie tonight, and of the many things we talked about, she said something that alarmed me in my spirit. We were talking about life in general, and she says to me "Terrin, I don't see you struggle with anything, I don't see you questioning things in the Bible or with God, and I don't see you struggle with sin."

Wow. Do I have people snowed or what? The thing is that I've learned very well how to hide my emotions and struggles, and everything else. I have things perfected to a "T"... even to the point that people I'm good friends with don't think I have any shortcomings or fears or anxieties. If I'm not leaning on my friends and using them to keep me accountable and have a support in my walk through life... how much am I really leaning on Jesus to help me through my life?

I honestly wish I could be more like a Mollie, new in her faith, questioning everything, and wearing her heart on her sleeve, problems, sin, vulnerability and all. Things aren't always perfect... but they're dealt with, you know? So candid and raw... it's so encouraging to have that breath of fresh air in your life.

Now, don't get me wrong, this is not the part of the blog where I spill my deepest darkest secret with the lot of you, but there's just a few thoughts that go running through my head... if I desire to be more like Jesus, (and I really do), what steps am I taking to be in the light, as He is in the light? What steps am I taking to be so honest with myself that I can admit that I do have struggles with sin, and shortcomings/flaws in my life, and things that I can't deal with on my own strength?

And I blog about this to ask you the very same questions... Are you presenting yourself as the perfect Christian who has no problems, or are you being honest and accountable to mentors and friends you've surrounded yourself with? What steps are you taking to become more Christlike? What are you struggling with that you can get your friends to pray for you about?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"

/end rant

Any prayer requests?